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Chou-sama is right when she says that we need disclaimers? Think about it, if I was the person who owned Digimon, would I be writing fan fiction as opposed to writing scripts for the show? Of course, if I wrote digimon scripts there would be a lot of yaoi suggestion in it. Hee hee
Pain.
A constant of the universe, a constant that affects everyone.
Time.
Another constant of the universe. Another constant that affects all human life.
Everyone must endure pain and time, for these are things one cannot avoid, that one cannot deny, that one can never escape. However, people deal with these two constants in their own ways. Some through exercise, others through work, others through arts. Whatever means is available to deal with pain and time, will be utilized. Usually, that is.
There are those, who hate these two constants so much that they will do whatever it takes to forget them. Through drinking, drugs, and of course, retreat. Retreat into the subconscious, retreat to forgetfulness, retreat.
While retreat provides temporary escape, that is all it is. Temporary. Pain will always hunt you down, time shall always find you.
The case of Jyou Kido, an adolescent boy, who despises the pain he suffers now and hates the time that robbed him of his peace. For many years he has been in denial of both, and has hidden it. Through shyness, cowardice, and complaining. However, time and pain discover all, and now, they have discovered Jyou Kido.
"Lonely."
One word, a word he hated. A word that shattered his world, his reality. A word that rung so true in his heart that he could not deny it. However, if he gave no indication of it, none would ever have to know.
Except himself.
"You're lonely, aren't you?"
His lips were sealed. What could he say to defend himself from himself?
"Lonely for friends..."
Did he have friends? Had he ever?
"Lonely for..him...no?"
Him...
"Why is that? Do they hate you? Does he hate you?"
No.
"You complain too much."
I'm the only one whos cautious! Someone has to be!
"You spoil their fun."
That's not true! This isnt about having fun its about getting home safe, the sooner the better! Someone has to be responsible.
"Is that your excuse?"
Excuse? It's the truth!
"Are you sure?"
Yes! Someone has to be cautious and remember what's really important, and that's getting home! We could get hurt really badly unless we're very careful. This is a very weird place and nobody knows we're here.
"While theyre off having fun, you don't want them to leave you behind."
I'm fine on my own! I'm just trying to look out for them. I'm the oldest; I have to be responsible.
"Is that right?"
Yes! I have to look out for all of them since I'm the oldest. I'm the most responsible and I have to make sure they all get home safe! Otherwise what will their parents think of me if something happens to them?
"You're being left out. That's why youre complaining. If you didn't, they would leave you alone. They just don't want to listen to you. They hate you."
No! We're a team! We have to look out for each other, and I have to look for everybody!
"Is that true?"
Yes! I'm just being careful, they don't hate me or anything like that, sure I can be really annoying but I don't think they hate me. Why would they keep me along this whole time? Just because I was there?
"But then...why did he leave you?"
...
"He left so suddenly. He just pushed you away. Why did that happen?"
...
"When was the last time you talked to him, before summer camp? When he needed to interview someone older than him for his home economics class? You were the only elder he knew?"
...
"Only valuable for schoolwork, for a material purpose, aren't you?"
...
"He hates you."
Shut up! This is just a bad dream!
"Perhaps. But is it not the truth?"
SHUT UP!!! He pushed EVERYONE away, not just me!
"Are you sure?"
...
"Do you have all the facts?"
...
"He hates you."
Please...please...no more...shu...SHUTUP!
"Shut up!" Jyou gasped as he woke up with a start. He sat straight up, his shoulders shaking, his breath quick. He felt a strange wetness on his face, and he lifted a hand to touch that wetness.
Tears?
Had he been crying?
Jyou looked over at him, as he remembered the first day the other boy went to school.
"But I don't want to go to school!" the little boy sobbed miserably.
"Koushiro, sweetheart, it's not so bad! You'll make new friends if you go." Mrs.Izumi tried to comfort her dear little boy.
"But I already HAVE a friend! Why do I need more than one?" little Koushiro said defensively, glancing over at his best friend he called 'nii-chan'.
Jyou Kido, at eight years old, had come over first thing in the morning to walk Koushiro to school for his first day. He was nervous to go back too, of course he was used to school by now.
Poor little Koushiro was not.
"It's not so bad Koushiro, besides, I'll be with you! Well, till I have to go to class anyhow." Jyou tried to sound reassuring, however he only upset the little boy further. Koushiro sobbed again.
"But I want to be with you the whole day!" Koushiro crossed his arms and humphed.
"Well...tell you what. I'll play with you at recess, I'll meet up with you at lunch and I'll walk you home after school."
"Everyday?" Koushiro sounded hopeful, sniffing a little and wiping at his tear-stained face.
"Of course! What are best friends for?" Jyou smiled cheerfully, putting his hands on his hips.
"Ok then, I'll go!" Koushiro put on his backpack, grabbed his lunch pail, and was all set to go.
Mrs.Izumi smiled at Jyou. "Thank you, Jyou. You always know how to handle him."
"No problem, Mrs.Izumi." Jyou bowed, blushing a little.
"Well C'MON, let's go!" Koushiro sounded, racing out the door. "Bye mommy!"
"Bye sweetie!" Mrs.Izumi mother waved.
"Hey Koushiro wait for me!" Jyou called, racing after him. "Bye Mrs.Izumi! HEY KOUSHIRO, WAIT ALREADY!!"
On the way to school, Koushiro stopped in his tracks when he saw other little boys his age.
"What's the matter, Koushiro?" Jyou asked, kneeling down to look Koushiro in the eye. "I'm sure you'll make friends with all of them. Don't worry. They're all nervous too."
"If you say so.." Koushiro said, sounding a little worried.
"Chin up already! I don't like seeing you pout.." Jyou said, starting to pout.
"Well..nii-chan..." Koushiro looked at Jyou, a very worried expression on his face. "I want us to be best friends forever and ever! I don't want anyone else to be my best friend."
"Is THAT what you worried about?" Jyou chuckled. "I'm glad, Koushiro, because I've always felt like that." Jyou held out his pinky finger to Koushiro. "Best friends forever?"
Koushiro looked at the finger then grabbed it with his own. "Forever!"
The two pinky fingers squeezed together in a promise.
Jyou looked at Koushiro, the changed Koushiro. The one who pushed him away three years ago. The one who had forgot about their promise. Best friends seemed to mean nothing to Koushiro now...
"Forever." Jyou whispered as he laid back down, curling into a fitful sleep.
Koushiro was up late at night, as he had been for the past few nights. Despite his crest of knowledge, why he could not sleep was beyond his understanding.
'Well, there are two logical explanations. Either I have had too much caffeine, which is very unlikely, or I have something on my mind without realizing it.' Koushiro fingers typed for him, not sure of what it was that he was trying to do. However the rolling of his fingers over the laptop's keyboard had become so automatic that conscious thought was no longer necessary.
'I always think about things of course. Only, maybe there is one thing in particular that is bothering me.' The sound of typing fingers soothed him, the fallback in case he was too far lost in his thoughts.
'My parents, maybe?' The typing of the fingers slowed down a little.
"Maybe we should tell Koushiro, honey.." Mom said softly, a tone of fear in her voice.
"I don't know.. I think we should wait until he's older, more mature." Dad replied, trying to sound calm. Hiding something..
"If we wait too long, it might hurt him more." Mom said, the worry more evident in her voice.
"I don't know..." Dad said, sighing. "I don't know how we're supposed to tell him that we're not his real parents...."
Koushiro stood outside the door, in numb shock. He quietly returned to his room and attempted to understand what had just happened.
'Not...my real parents...' Koushiro thought, the fingers still typing, but slowly and softly. 'Then who were my real parents? What were they like?' The fingers hit the keyboard lightly. 'Who...who am I, really?'
A soft sigh came forth from Koushiro's throat, and the typing resumed its normal pace. 'I wonder if I'll ever find out? Or should I even bother with it? It shouldn't matter now, right?'
Silence. 'It doesn't matter who my real parents are, it doesn't affect who I am now.'
'Right?'
Finding no response within himself, Koushiro resumed his typing. Typing, yes, the escape from harsh reality. The escape from people with secrets. Escape from hurtful people with hurtful secrets.
"Koushiro, honey, can I come in...?" Moms voice sounded sweet and inviting from beyond the door.
"Sure, mom." Koushrio responded. "The door's open." 'But I'm not really here, you're not really my mom.
Mom came in, Koushiro heard that, yet made no reaction. He continued to type and to work on his computer. Looking up various information of whatever striked his curiousity.
"Koushiro..honey.." Mom came up behind him, laying her hands on his shoulders. Koushiro's shoulders arched for a minute yet then relaxed. "Are you..ok? You seem very quiet lately.."
"I'm fine." Koushiro responded automatically. 'You're not my mother. So who are you?'
"Oh...ok...well.." Mom sighed. "I'm always here if you need someone to talk to, ok?"
"Ok."
Mom bent down and kissed him on his cheek, patting his head, then walked out the door, closing it behind her.
'I thought it was always wise never to talk to strangers.' Koushiro thought, dismissing the encounter and returning to his virtual reality.
'Of course, maybe if I did know my real parents, then I would know why they chose to gave me up. No money? No home? No time? They didn't like me? Maybe they wanted a girl? Maybe there's some secret about me that only they know about..?' A million questions ran through Koushiro's mind as his typing speed increased, attempting to use his fallback. Soon enough, a small beep broke him from his trance, as his computer had committed an illegal operation.
"Darn it!" Koushiro hissed as he quickly went about the process to fix the problem. Soon it was back to typing, creating programs, creating solutions, understanding the digital world better, looking over digital monsters.
Busy work, keeping himself occupied. Occupied so that he had no time to worry about other things. Other important things.
On the regular morning walk to school. Only today things were different. From now on everything was different.
"Hi Koushiro!" Jyou's cheerful voice woke him up from his trance. Koushiro looked up at his best friend of, of how long? Ever since he was a baby, he was told, even though he could not remember anything before age three.
"I'm...fine." Koushiro replied quietly, deciding at the last minute not to talk to Jyou about what had happened the night before.
"Oh..?" Jyou replied, looking him up and down. After a few minutes of walking, Jyou stopped Koushiro in the street. "Are you sure you're ok? You're not normally so quiet."
"I'm fine." Koushiro replied, looking in Jyou's caring eyes. 'I don't know who I am anymore...'
"A...alright." Jyou said emotionlessly. The remaining walk to school was silent.
'If I don't know who I am, how can I be friends with anyone..? What if they are my friends, and then when I find out the truth, what will they think? Will they be hurt? Will they think that I've done something with their friend?' Koushiro glanced over at Jyou, his best friend, his nii-chan. His eyes seemed saddened, now. Koushiro cringed inwardly. 'Better then..to leave everyone alone.'
Koushiro awoke from his musing with a start, realizing the wetness on his cheeks. 'Crying..?'
Was he crying? Why?
A small, childish voice made itself heard. 'I miss Jyou....'
"WAAAHHH!!!! Stop picking on me!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!" a young Koushiro sobbed, it was his first or second day at his first school for the first year, and he was not having a good time. The other kids, deciding that since he had made no new friends in his class yet, that he was an outcast. Thus, someone to be bullied.
"Hey! What are you doing?!" the voice of Koushiro's hero made him look up.
"It's a big kid! Run! He might beat us up!!" the other kids shouted, running as far away as quickly as possible. Jyou came up to where the kids were, not looking too amused. Then he kneeled down by Koushiro, patting his head.
"Sorry I wasn't here sooner, there was a paper fight in class so everyone had to stay behind and clean up." Jyou said apologetically.
"Nii...nii-chan..." Koushiro threw himself in Jyou's arms, sobbing his eyes out. "Why do they hate me?" he sobbed, clutching to Jyou. Jyou wrapped his arms around the little boy, holding him tight.
"...because you're so smart! Haven't you been doing good in class? You've been doing nice drawing and stuff, right?" Jyou was always the first to cheer Koushiro up.
"Ye...yeah.." Koushiro sniffed, looking up at Jyou.
"So there! They're jealous of you. You don't need bullies like them for friends, you'll find some real friends who don't get jealous. Just take it with a smile, Koushiro. Well, if they keep beating you up, let me know, ok?" Jyou patted Koushiro's back, smiling.
"Ok!" Koushiro grinned. He pulled away from Jyou. "Race you to the park?"
"You're on!" Jyou grinned too, as the two friends raced towards the park.
'I think I should hug Jyou whenever I'm cold, because he's so warm.' Koushiro thought, deciding something for life and not giving it a second thought.
'Then when I found out about my parents....' Koushiro's thoughts drifted. The typing had come to a halt.
When Koushiro had found out about his parents, he pushed everyone away. For fear of letting them down by not knowing who he was, for fear of them disowning him first if they found out he was adopted, and for fear of being hurt again by other people.
He pushed everyone away.
His parents, classmates.
Jyou.
Jyou, his best friend. His nii-chan.
Looking over at Jyou now, his back was to him, and he could not see Jyou's face. His fingers squashed a few more tears that threatened to run down his cheeks, and he returned to his typing.
His virtual reality, his virtual hideaway.
The group, after the encounter with Vademon and Garudamon, was feeling a bit depressed. They had no idea where they were going, they had to get away fairly quickly before Vademon recovered, and decide what they were going to do about him.
Easier said than done.
They were just wandering, Yamato and Taichi mumbling to each other about where to go next, what to do, both of them trying to play leader.
There was no conversation, as there was no need for noise. A dark cloud was hanging over the heads of the digidestined, as they walked closer and closer into dark uncertainty. Of course that is, until Mimi decided she wanted to be comforted by her crush. Whether he liked it or not.
"I hate this.." Mimi whined as she walked alongside Koushiro, trying to get him to care. He tolerated her yet said nothing.
"Nobody's talking, we're all so depressed, we don't know where we're going and my feet hurt!" Mimi's incessant babbling continued into Koushiro's inattentive ear. Although she noticed this and it bothered her, Mimi was never one to quit until she received what she was after.
"What if my crest never starts glowing?" Mimi continued, determined to somehow catch Koushiro's attention. "What if Palmon never digivolves? I mean how are we supposed to get out of this stupid world if our digimon don't work?"
At this point in time Koushiro longed for a break to stop and open up his laptop in hopes to save his ears from further torture.
His gaze wandered over to Jyou, and flinched at the sight of a glowering morbidness lurking in Jyou's glass-covered eyes. Everyone was depressed, however the sight of the pain in Jyou's eyes was just too depressing. 'He must be thinking about something....maybe I should ask..'
Koushiro chuckled inwardly at himself. 'However I would probably make things worse..'
Jyou was deep in thought, not being able to drive the nightmare from last night out of his mind.
"They hate you."
Three simple words, three words from his subconscious. Three words that were driving him insane.
'They don't hate me, they don't have time to hate me..' Jyou repeated to himself over and over, trying to drive the three words from his mind, trying to forget it and run away.
Only it kept coming back to haunt him. "They hate you."
Gomamon was annoyed by the dark atmosphere hanging around their humans, it was even starting to make him depressed. With Jyou definitely being down in the seawater, he was really beginning to get annoyed.
"What are you all so depressed about? We got away, didn't we?" Gomamon said out loud, however only Jyou heard him.
"We're just a little worried about not getting home and beating Myostismon and our crests.." Jyou trailed off, not sure of what else ailed the other kids.
"Well I'm a bit worried too but I'm not moping around like the rest of you! Lighten up, how are we supposed to win if we're so depressed?" Gomamon said perkily. "I say you should all stop worrying yourselves so much."
Jyou said nothing. He had learned from experience that if Gomamon got himself into a sunny disposition then nothing would bring him out of it.
"I'm tired, I'm getting a headache, the grass is aggravating my sinuses, we're all going to collaspse any minute now, can we take a break already?" Jyou complained, as usual.
"Shutup Jyou.." Taichi said softly, continuing to trudge on.
Jyou closed his mouth and his dark mood became darker.
Koushiro had wanted to object to Taichi's disapproval of Jyou's idea. 'Jyou was only stating the opinion of the group, we do need a rest, we've walked far enough.' Koushiro glared silently at Taichi. However Taichi's head was down and his shoulders were slumped so he decided it would not matter if he had objected anyhow. He looked over at Jyou again, and recognized further hurt on his face. 'I wish I could comfort you right now, Jyou.'
Koushiro's eyes trailed along the ground. 'I wish I could come up with some plan to make everyone feel more hopeful. If only we would stop so I would get a chance to work.'
Sometime later, the group did stop. At a fork in the road, where the path split into two separate roads. For awhile the group got to rest, and Koushiro attempted to come up with a plan, something, to help out, however was having no success. Jyou was trying to relax a little and give himself a rest, yet was having no success himself.
Taichi and Yamato breaking out into a fight did not help.
"If we split into two groups just for awhile, we could cover more ground faster and get an idea of where we are!" Taichi yelled. Taichi the egotistical leader, yet he meant well.
"If we split up, what if we get lost?! Are you trying to break us up again, Taichi?!" Yamato practically screeched. Yamato, the cool guy, the rebel, sometimes it seemed more like he objected to everything Taichi said just to get Taichi's attention.
However Jyou seemed to be the only one who noticed the love in their eyes for each other. The fighting between them was merely a vent for the frustration of feeling the way they do and trying so hard not to show it.
'They're lucky, they're never lonely, they have each other, why are they depressed about how they feel..' Jyou thought miserably, his lips forming a small pout.
Once again, Taichi and Yamato are fighting. 'We should concentrate more on fighting the enemy and less upon fighting each other.' Koushiro thought grimly, typing away on his computer, in hopes of reaching a solution.
And soon before Yamato and Matt tried to kill one another. Again.
'They must really care about each other if they fight so much.' Koushiro thought, his typing speed slowing down a little. 'Jyou and I never fought, and we cared a lot about each other..'
The typing came to a halt. 'Of course that was when..Jyou and I were friends..'
"They hate you."
Shutup.
Listening to the two fight again, Jyou was free to wander back to his depression.
"They hate you."
Shutup!
The voice from his nightmare resonated in his thoughts. Once again he felt isolated from the group as he did battle with those three terrible words. Taichi and Yamato's yelling grew louder and rang in his ears.
"They hate you."
Shutup!!!
"They hate you."
"SHUTUP!!!!" Jyou suddenly exclaimed, clasping his hands over his ears, losing his control, not being able to take it anymore. All eyes turned to Jyou as he blushed and realized he had yelled out loud.
"Why don't you shutup and stay out of this, Jyou?!" Taichi yelled back. Jyou got up and walked to the two.
"I am so sick of listening to you two argue all the time! If you want to explore both paths so badly Taichi and if you want everyone to stay together Yamato, why don't we just take a run down both paths altogether!!" Jyou's normally gentle and cowardly nature disappeared.
Koushiro was looking up in disbelief at Jyou's sudden outbreak.
"Why can't you two ever come to a compromise? It's so easy to do and it always seems to fly right past you two!" Jyou continued, his frustration refusing to stay dormant. "I get such a headache from listening to you two go at it-"
"You're always complaining, Jyou! What else is new if you have something depressing to say?!" Yamato said defensively.
"-and we all get tired of having to wait around while you two fight! This isn't a game, this is serious, we could all be hurt or worse out here in this insane world, and you two are too busy with yourselves to remember that!"
Yamato and Taichi's mouths widened a little as Jyou hit a mark.
"Why don't you just admit to being in love with one another and stop using this dumb arguments as an excuse to vent your frustration! There's more people than you two here!!!" Jyou's final blow was dealt.
Taichi and Yamato's faces turned a dark crimson as reality hit them, and as tears threatened to flow from their secret being revealed. Jyou's face fell in horror as he realized what he had done.
"I-I'm-"
Yamato suddenly bolted into a run, down one path all on his own. Taichi called after him then turned to Jyou.
"How COULD you?!" Taichi said angrily, punching Jyou swiftly and painfully in the stomach as he tore after Yamato, calling his name.
Jyou's knees buckled underneath him and he fell to the ground, clutching his stomach, his guilt hurting more than his physical pain.
'Jyou...' Koushiro was in shock. Yamato and Taichi were inlove? It was obviously true judging by their reaction. What was more shocking was that Jyou caught on to it before anyone else obviously did. The most amazing was that Jyou said that.
"If I had told you my secret, would you of done that..?" Koushiro said breathlessly, so quiet that no one heard him. Or at least, he thought no one had heard him.
Jyou's eyes widened in shock. Had he heard right? Did Koushiro really say that? 'Does he really think that I...that I would do that to him...?'
'I just did it to Taichi and Yamato...' Jyou's eyes started to spill over as he started to cry, for loneliness, for guilt, for his mistake.
Later that night, Taichi and Yamato did come back, and the group finally found out the truth about their relationship. The group was surprised, however no one said anything bad. They just needed time to get used to the knowledge, however they all swore to remain loyal friends.
Taichi and Yamato had said nothing to Jyou, however, not like it would of mattered. Jyou was too far down in his own world to hear anyone.
A worried and questioning gaze was upon him without his realizing it.
As the night grew darker, everyone eventually drifted off into peaceful sleep.
Yet Jyou's sleep would not be peaceful.
"Did you want to meet the Izumi's new baby?" Mom said cheerfully, squatting to Jyou's level and offering her hand.
"Is it a girl? If it's a girl I'll get cooties." Little Jyou said decisively, determined to protect himself from the plague of cooties.
"It's a baby boy actually, named Koushiro."
"A boy? Maybe he'll be my friend.." Jyou's eyes lit up at the prospect of friend. "Maybe even my best friend! We could be heroes or something together!" Jyou grabbed his mother's hand as he continued to babble about his new best friend, while his mother smiled at him lovingly.
"Hi!" Jyou said politely, bowing to Mrs.Izumi with grace.
"I know who you came to see, Jyou." Mrs.Izumi smiled gently. "He's in the living room, building a castle. Would you like to help him?"
"YEAH!" Jyou said as he ran to find the living room. It took him a few minutes until he finally heard someone sobbing, and quickly located the source.
'I hate it when people cry, it makes me cry too.'
The source of the tears was a baby with a mess of red hair, sitting near a pile of fallen building blocks.
"Aww..don't cry. What's the matter?" Jyou knelt near the baby, finding it very fascinating. The baby looked up at him in wonder for a minute and then resumed crying.
"You must be Koushiro. Did you knock over your castle?" Jyou inspected the blocks, noticing that one or two were still standing in a straight line. The baby clutched at one block and sucked on it, sniffling.
"Well fallen blocks are no match for Super Jyou! I'll fix your castle!" Jyou quickly went to work, building a castle as tall as him with all of the blocks. When he was done, he stood proudly in front of his work. "TAA DAH!" He announced proudly, showing off his fortress.
For a moment, baby Koushiro looked at the castle in awe. Then he giggled as he grabbed one of the bottom blocks and caused the castle to crumble. Jyou fumed.
"YOU WANTED TO BUILD A CASTLE JUST TO MAKE IT FALL DOWN!?" Jyou shouted, stamping his feet and pulling at his blue hair. Baby Koushiro giggled again and applauded the show Jyou was putting on.
When he heard the giggling, Jyou stopped and looked the baby in the eye. "You're silly!" he said as he flopped to the ground, grinning at the baby.
'That was the first time I ever met Koushiro..' Jyou thought, smiling fondly at the memory.
'We were best friends from that moment on, I came to see him whenever I could...'
'Until..'
"Until he starting hating you. Until he found something to hate about you."
Tired of fighting, Jyou did not bother to run. He was just too tired. Too tired of destiny, of loneliness, of these nightmares. Just too tired.
"That bothers you, doesn't it? You really care about him, don't you?"
Koushiro was Jyou's best friend. His only friend.
"Then he left you. Then everyone left you."
When Jyou became depressed, people became frustrated with him very easily over it.
"You hate that, right? You hate that they hate you. You especially hate that Koushiro hates you."
Only one friend in the world. He was more than happy with that one friend, until that one friend was suddenly gone.
"If you admit it, you could just let it go. You could just let everything go..."
The words from earlier came back to his mind.
"How COULD you?!" Taichi shouted angrily.
"If I had told you my secret, would you of done that..?" Koushiro asked softly.
That was more than enough of a good reason. There was no denying the painful truth now.
"They hate me.." Jyou choked, then started to sob bitterly in the darkness of his heart. "They HATE me!!!"
As Jyou tossed and turned in his sleep, a sudden pain was caught in his chest. For a moment he was paralysed with pain as a black gear flew out of his body and into the endless night.
To Be Continued